Friday, October 9, 2009


I wish I were more independent.
I feel so confined by my current situation.

I want so badly to be liberated, to finally move onto that next phase. I wish I was less prone to my mood swings. The other day I got so angry, over something so small, that my vision got blurry and my blood pressure went lower than I've ever seen it go.

I need to stop missing someone who I expect so much from even after our relationship has been reduced to a passing friendship. I wish I lived near the centre of the city, so I could stop rejecting job offers and actually have a real job for once.

I feel so dependent. I rely too much on the friends I think I made in the past two years. I let their actions effect me too much. I let the disappointments fester for too long.

At this point, I don't like who I am and who I've become.

I want to be strong, optimistic, self-reliant.


BrightenedBoy said...

This is extremely hard, but you have to learn to cut off anyone who doesn't show you the respect you deserve.

I went through this recently when one of my first gay "friends" on campus turned out to be an unabashed prig; he was one of the only gay people I knew and was in with so many other gays at school, but I finally decided it wasn't worth it.

You'll meet new people. Self-respect is a huge part of attracting friends.

Whatever you do, don't go out of your way for those who won't spare a moment for you.

penguinone said...

I like what BrightenedBoy has to say about this. I find it so difficult to cut myself away from deadweight friends too. I keep thinking: if I wait long enough, maybe.. just maybe...

Or if I do manage to cut away, I end up letting them back in without hesitation again.

I will work hard on this one with you.