The book of laughter & forgetting.

I met this boy last year at the staff meeting for the university paper. He was ne of the editors. Now, for whoever is reading this who doesn't know, I attend a business school... and a very... businessy one at that. That is to say, it's full of people who aspire to be chartered accountants, financial analysts and investment bankers. It's very rare for me to run into someone who has interests outside of the realm of pure business.

Anyways, so one day at the newspaper staff meeting, I met this guy. He was a very nice guy. I was almost in awe of him because he was everything that school wasn't. He was submerged into his book world, he read literature for fun, and best of all he knew one of my favourite artists better than even I did.

From there we started talking once in a while. He surprised me with a few unexpected emails. We'd just discuss literature, share our favourite quotes out of our favourite novels and songs.

Then I found out he had a girlfriend and I felt very awkward. It wasn't that I was doing anything to breach on their relationship. It was just this inane sense that if I had been the girlfriend I'd probably not like someone emailing my boyfriend and discussing literature. I don't know. Most girlfriends I've known have been very insecure beings.

So after that I stopped talking to him as much.

During the summer he surprised me again with a random email and then we started talking again. At one point we stopped talking once more and since he barely used msn, facebook or even his email, we lost touch.

Then yesterday out of nowhere I got a text message from him. We talked about Milan Kundera and he told me he could lend me his decrepit copy of The Book of Laughter and Forgetting after I mentioned that Rebecca had recommended it to me. (Thanks lovely-face ;) )

Anyways, one thing led to another and we decided to have coffee over the holidays. I'm really happy he got in touch because he has always been someone I wanted to get to know better. I still have my uncertainties though because I don't know if he still has a girlfriend and since my fallout with a best friend two years ago over his girlfriend's insecurities, I like to be cautious when it comes to these things.

I guess I will have to wait until December to find out though. Maybe he will hint at it.

**

What I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful for my study date with Carolina today.
I'm thankful for having Carolina in my life.
Oh yeah, and I'm thankful for the greasy pizza and bubble tea.

Thankful.

I think we're a little too young to be worried about never finding someone.
Yes. I'm sure that is a fact.

Yet, lately I find myself upset over the fact that I can't find new, interesting people (guys) to talk to and to feel silly around.

I know, I know, this is me being my ridiculous self again. I don't want attention when I have it and when I do I shun it. How does that make sense?

It seems I guess that I only attract the kind of attention I want to shun. There have been people that were considered... but they're always a little insane and too busy dwelling in their own minds.

Then maybe it's time for me to start looking out for people who don't dwell in their own heads. I mean sure it's nice. Sure I love the conversations they can hit up... sure they're a lot less pretentious and a lot more intelligent.... but they don't seem thoughtful.

It's ironic really. They're always trapped with their own thoughts... yet they can't divert enough from them to be thoughtful towards someone else.

I have no idea what I'm writing all this for because even as I'm writing it makes no sense to me. I'm not looking for anyone. I'm just frustrated by the lack of people. Does that make sense?

**

Anyways, inspired by the 1000awesomethings blog, I'm going to start writing one thing that I'm thankful for at the end of every post. I don't think I'm thankful enough for the people and things around me.

Today I'm thankful for: the treadmill and elevating heart rates. :)

Assumptions.

Sitting at the table, with three guys I've known for years but barely know, I lose patience. They make me so utterly aware of the gap between men and women. How do we live together, how are we expected to last, when neither side understands the other?

I used to be a tomboy. I had no problems admitting it. I used to play soccer in the streets, the only girl on the team. I used to have best friends who were boys. I found them safer and more understanding. They were my refuge from the needless drama and cruelty girls inflict on one another.

But now, now it's like all of that has done a 360. Maybe it's our age. Maybe at 20, the differences between both sides are the most obvious. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe I've changed too much.

Sitting with the three guys I barely know, they go on and on about sex. They talk about what pleases girls. They even say that sex is better for women. Sex is better because apparantly we're capable of having a million orgasms in a row.

I sit there awkwardly, but get frustrated by their ignorance. I try to tell them they can't make such assumptions. I try to tell them generalizations are stupid. Instead, I get bombarded with more assumptions.

"You're not experienced enough, you'll know one day."

I'm sorry, what? I wasn't aware I'd told you my sexual history. I wasn't aware you could tell tell by a glance what I've experienced in life.

This made me even more angry. Getting into a useless argument with them, I get more and more frustrated... until finally, tired of their fucked up assumptions, I say, "I have had sex before!"

This shuts them up. They look at eachother. The same guys who only minutes ago were talking openly about fucking women. Of course it's fine for them to talk about it, but the moment I, a woman, admit to having had sex, there's sudden silence. Then they start talking again.

Why are you all so shocked? Why is it so hard to believe?

"You just don't look like the type."

The type? What exactly is this "type?" Do people who have sex look a certain way? Do women who have sex have SLUT stamped across their forehead?

They try to correct themselves. They say that's not what they meant.

"You just seem like you're focused on school."

OF COURSE. God forbid I have sex. It must mean I'm not focused on school.

I left that conversation feeling angry and even disgusting. Their ignorance, their reactions, their condescending manner, and their complete utter sexism, had left me completely disoriented. I realized I can't stand these people. I can't stand this building, I can't stand the fake stupid facades everyone puts on.

I've never been much of a feminist, but this is not the first time something like this has happend. It seems the older I get, the more I realize just what we, as women, have to deal with for the rest of our lives. It upsets me, and yes, it even scares me. The only thing I can do is try to avoid people like them and to hope that somehow, someday men will grow up.

Awesome flu.

So I'd been exhausted and really just out of it for the past week. I attributed it to stupid midterms and assignments and not having had a weekend. Yesterday I came home and started feeling a lot crappier. By morning, I was coughing insanely. By afternoon I had a fever of 37.5 (my normal body temp is 36.8) and by evening i had a fever of 39 C. I don't know if I have regular flu or swine flu. The symptoms seem to be exactly the same and I seem to have all of them at once. D:

With the help of some Tylenols and Advil's and some cold water I'm down to 38.1 which is honestly such a huge difference. I can actually function a little.

I have a presentation tomorrow at 8:30 AM but called my professor and told him I was sick. He moved it to next week thankfully. I have to figure out how I'm gonna cover chapter after chapter of mgmt 2000 if my entire weekend is gonna be spent trying to get this fever down.

At least Schulich seems to be slightly accommodating with the situation.

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to your emails Rebecca! I read them and loved them to bits. I just can't sit down in front of the computer for too long at a time right now.

Wish me luck!

Halloween.

It was around last year this time that I visited you for the last time.

You had decorated the door for Halloween. You said you didn't want to do it but that last minute you thought, hey, why not, you don't get to decorate for Halloween every day.

All your school books were piled up on your table. I even saw one of those practice books you probably bought to help you with first year calculus. You were busy sending emails back and forth with administration at university. You said the lady was really nice and helpful.

Beans played around with his toys trying to get your attention. I gave you the book I thought would help you pass some time.

Your dad came in with some sort of tea. It was as black as molasses. He asked me to make sure you drank it. You really didn't seem to want to.

When it was time for me to go, we hugged. We held on for longer than usual. Something felt different. Maybe it was that we both knew it would be the last time, maybe it was something else.

Your hair smelled like shampoo.

Shiny.

I love the few good friends I have. You know who you are.

I want to be.

I will focus on school and on healing.

My face is still swollen and my gums still throb and bleed, but I'm sure with time it'll get better.

I feel this sudden urge to focus and be one with all the work I have to do. I have 5 lectures to cover for my midterm this coming Friday, and even if I were to cover just one lecture a day (which is usually about three articles to read and take notes on), I could finish everything on Wednesday and then have Thursday to read lecture notes and review.

I'm so glad my film lecture on Thursday night is cancelled. It's really good luck. Or maybe even Karma.

I'm also really lucky with midterms this year. Instead of having five midterms back to back like I usually have had, I have them all spread out throughout the next four weeks.

I'm cutting Facebook out of my life again. I need a people detox, if that even makes sense. I don't think its healthy the way we let ourselves be bombarded by so much useless information. The way we read over the details of people's lives when we could be reading over some amazing book. I know it all sounds a little silly/corny/nerdy but that's what I've been thinking and feeling as of late.

Speaking of amazing books, I've been reading Wuthering Heights. I like it so far but I have a terrible feeling it'll end badly as most Gothic era novels do.

I'm excited to do well on all my courses. I'm excited to let go of all the outside relationships that have done me no good and just focus on healing and nurturing. I want to focus on making myself a better person... I want to be more intelligent, trustworthy, caring. I want to be able to look back, ten years down the road, and be able to say: "Yeah, that was the day I decided to take that step towards doing something great."

I wanna be so amazing that the people who decided they didn't wanna stick around beat themselves up over it ;)

Hell yeah, I'm going to be AWESOME.
& LEGENDARY too.