Awesome flu.

So I'd been exhausted and really just out of it for the past week. I attributed it to stupid midterms and assignments and not having had a weekend. Yesterday I came home and started feeling a lot crappier. By morning, I was coughing insanely. By afternoon I had a fever of 37.5 (my normal body temp is 36.8) and by evening i had a fever of 39 C. I don't know if I have regular flu or swine flu. The symptoms seem to be exactly the same and I seem to have all of them at once. D:

With the help of some Tylenols and Advil's and some cold water I'm down to 38.1 which is honestly such a huge difference. I can actually function a little.

I have a presentation tomorrow at 8:30 AM but called my professor and told him I was sick. He moved it to next week thankfully. I have to figure out how I'm gonna cover chapter after chapter of mgmt 2000 if my entire weekend is gonna be spent trying to get this fever down.

At least Schulich seems to be slightly accommodating with the situation.

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to your emails Rebecca! I read them and loved them to bits. I just can't sit down in front of the computer for too long at a time right now.

Wish me luck!

Halloween.

It was around last year this time that I visited you for the last time.

You had decorated the door for Halloween. You said you didn't want to do it but that last minute you thought, hey, why not, you don't get to decorate for Halloween every day.

All your school books were piled up on your table. I even saw one of those practice books you probably bought to help you with first year calculus. You were busy sending emails back and forth with administration at university. You said the lady was really nice and helpful.

Beans played around with his toys trying to get your attention. I gave you the book I thought would help you pass some time.

Your dad came in with some sort of tea. It was as black as molasses. He asked me to make sure you drank it. You really didn't seem to want to.

When it was time for me to go, we hugged. We held on for longer than usual. Something felt different. Maybe it was that we both knew it would be the last time, maybe it was something else.

Your hair smelled like shampoo.

Shiny.

I love the few good friends I have. You know who you are.

I want to be.

I will focus on school and on healing.

My face is still swollen and my gums still throb and bleed, but I'm sure with time it'll get better.

I feel this sudden urge to focus and be one with all the work I have to do. I have 5 lectures to cover for my midterm this coming Friday, and even if I were to cover just one lecture a day (which is usually about three articles to read and take notes on), I could finish everything on Wednesday and then have Thursday to read lecture notes and review.

I'm so glad my film lecture on Thursday night is cancelled. It's really good luck. Or maybe even Karma.

I'm also really lucky with midterms this year. Instead of having five midterms back to back like I usually have had, I have them all spread out throughout the next four weeks.

I'm cutting Facebook out of my life again. I need a people detox, if that even makes sense. I don't think its healthy the way we let ourselves be bombarded by so much useless information. The way we read over the details of people's lives when we could be reading over some amazing book. I know it all sounds a little silly/corny/nerdy but that's what I've been thinking and feeling as of late.

Speaking of amazing books, I've been reading Wuthering Heights. I like it so far but I have a terrible feeling it'll end badly as most Gothic era novels do.

I'm excited to do well on all my courses. I'm excited to let go of all the outside relationships that have done me no good and just focus on healing and nurturing. I want to focus on making myself a better person... I want to be more intelligent, trustworthy, caring. I want to be able to look back, ten years down the road, and be able to say: "Yeah, that was the day I decided to take that step towards doing something great."

I wanna be so amazing that the people who decided they didn't wanna stick around beat themselves up over it ;)

Hell yeah, I'm going to be AWESOME.
& LEGENDARY too.

T3.

Sometimes it feels like I'm going to end up alone.

I look at all these couples, and how uninhibited they are by their insecurities... how in love they are with each other. I look at them and I see all the reasons why my last relationship failed. All the ways I could have perhaps saved it. Maybe if I wasn't so moody, maybe if I didn't find it so hard to be touched... if I could have acted a little more normal.

Maybe it's the pain or the painkillers talking, but I can't imagine finding someone who will love me despite all my insanity.

Baby, did you forget to take your meds?

Last night, on the second night of my post-wisdom teeth removal recovery, my face decided to swell up like a balloon... and my left cheek decided to bruise... and the real pain finally decided it wants to unleash its wrath on me.

I'm stupid and stubborn, and I didn't pick up my Tylenol 3 prescriptions from the pharmacist. The first night wasn't bad at all, and I figured I could get by with extra strength advil and such... but holy shit was I wrong. Last night, after taking an advil extra strength and a Tylenol cold I woke up at 4 in the morning, in ridiculous pain. I walked around the house shivering either because I was cold or because I was in so much pain. I couldn't tell which it was. I looked around trying to figure out when the pharmacy would open. That's how desperate I was to get my meds. I saw I had four more hours to endure.

I put an ice pack on my face and took another advil. When the pain finally calmed down somewhat I fell asleep.

This morning I walked over and picked up my Tylenol 3s and with the advice of the concerned looking pharmacist took two. Now, half an hour later, I feel amazing. I feel so so good.

Now I'm a happy looking chipmunk.

Birth Signs.

I was born two months early.

I was born in April instead of June. I'm an aries instead of perhaps... a gemini. I can recognize when someone is an Aries really quite easily.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been a different person if I'd been born on time.

Wish me luck.

I'm not exactly looking forward to tomorrow. I have an oral surgery to remove four wisdom teeth scheduled :(

Although I dread this to the max, I'm really thankful that I'll be asleep throughout the whole process. In fact it might actually be an interesting to experience being gassed unconsious..........

It won't be pleasent, but at least I will have Tylenol 3's and Amoxicillin to help me get by.

Indepdent.

I wish I were more independent.
I feel so confined by my current situation.

I want so badly to be liberated, to finally move onto that next phase. I wish I was less prone to my mood swings. The other day I got so angry, over something so small, that my vision got blurry and my blood pressure went lower than I've ever seen it go.

I need to stop missing someone who I expect so much from even after our relationship has been reduced to a passing friendship. I wish I lived near the centre of the city, so I could stop rejecting job offers and actually have a real job for once.

I feel so dependent. I rely too much on the friends I think I made in the past two years. I let their actions effect me too much. I let the disappointments fester for too long.

At this point, I don't like who I am and who I've become.

I want to be strong, optimistic, self-reliant.

Learning.

Photo credits go to Banafsheh :)

I love political ecology. It is so interesting and it just makes so much sense in my head. It's like the perfect cocktail of Economics, Environmental Studies, Politics and Sociology. Not to mention it actually takes the West away from the notion that we are somehow technologically, morally, and intellectually superior to the rest of the world.

What more could a girl ask for?