Saturday, August 8, 2009

A Romantic Resurrected.

"I'm scared to open up... I'm afraid to feel vulnerable."
It's one of those things people say when they think they're about to fall in love... or when they try to explain to people why they avoid love.

Well, I can't say I'm as self-aware as those people. In fact, when my heart was full out broken 3 years ago, it was a first, and so I had no fear before the fall. I was eager as ever to open up to someone... anyone... and well, after that was over I had my period of hermit depression when I convinced myself that the romantic in me was dead and buried. After all that, I by some weird twist ended up dating that same person who broke my heart.

This time of course I was different. Sure you could say I was "scared to open up..." but I don't think I was aware of the change. I mean a year into the relationship I was pretty sure this was as vulnerable as I could possibly become.

I don't know, maybe the past made me forget what it was like to be truly open... made me forget the rush, the nervousness. I mean... I didn't even come to the realization that there was still a part of me that hadn't opened up until last week when I spent the day with him, and felt finally for the first time in 3 years how it felt to be truly open and vulnerable with someone.

So yeah, I guess I am a little scared. Scared of what the future has in store for us, scared of what might happen... but still, there's this relief that comes with really loving someone. A relief maybe that I'm not broken after-all.

Weird that it took me throwing up chunky food inside his bathroom sink to finally let go.

"Give me a kiss."
"Ew, no I'm all gross and vomitty."
"I don't care. I still love you."


Woozie said...

So much to say.

By the time I ventured down that unfamiliar path (quite unaware of what I was doing until later) I had already seen and heard wonderful stories about heartbreak. But again, I didn't know what I was getting myself into, so I didn't have any of those fears either.

Well--at least in my case--most of them turned out to be true. We're still friends, and he doesn't even know he crushed my heart like an ant beneath a boot. It wasn't even really his fault; he should have known better sure but that's negligence, not malice. But all that didn't, er doesn't, lessen the pain very much. I suppose I should hold my head up with pride knowing that I shoulder all this shit without the crutch of drugs.

Will I be open to actually being in love with someone in the future? Without a doubt, but for now I don't want to for so many reasons. Gotta let things scab over if they're ever going to heal, you know?

Still, good someone found it.

Orhan Kahn said...

One of my good mates proposed to his now wife after she had vomited from a major hangover; he figured that if she was beautiful him at the worst of times she would forever be beautiful.

That was four years ago. They are still married and deeply in love. (They also have my doggah!)

Enemy of the Republic said...

Hey, friend, thanks for coming by.

Amélie said...

Wooz: Yeah. People often don't know the effects they have on one another... and we often don't know what we're getting ourselves into. You'll be fine :) You're one of the least jaded people I know.

Orhan: Aw! haha... weird that something as gross as vomiting can bring people to such realizations. Life is funny like that.

Enemy: Any time.

skinnylittlesister said...

You can't know heartbreak without knowing love, on one level or another and in my personal little opinion life is all about living, loving and learning.
As far as the fears go... let them go and enjoy the moment. Each one as it comes your way. Fear is worry over a moment that has yet to happen and very well may never happen, so in essence, fear robs of the moment which is upon us, which is here and happening...
Enjoy those moments, these moments...
they are never guaranteed :)

Amélie said...

skinnylittlesister: thank you for that. You have no idea, it's like you entered my mind and explained all my fears away, or at least taught me why I should :)

Orhan Kahn said...

Paiger is wise. Of this there is no doubt! She enters your mind through your heart and just nestles there. It is a beautiful thing.

penguinone said...

It made me happy reading this. I don't think it was heartbreak that made me hesitant to open up. I think it may just be a part of who I am. I think I am more private than I'd like to admit. Sometimes it feels a bit like a see saw - I can be as vulnerable as a snail without its shell one moment, and be the shell itself the next moment (if that makes any sense). But you're right - it is a relief to not only love but openly declare love to another person.