I don't know anymore.

Dad woke me up this morning to tell me they're off to the hospital. The spot where he had surgery on his head last month was bleeding so they went to see the neurosurgeon. Mom just called saying he is scheduled to have his fourth surgery, and second brain surgery in two weeks.

11:11

I'm sitting here in my room. There isn't sound except for the sound of conversation from downstairs. I haven't updated in quite a while, so I thought I would sit down, and despite the mess that my brain has been in the past little while, try to come up with some things to say.

I wish I could update on a happier note, but the fact that I messed up my final exam, my tumultuous and uncertain relationships with the people in my life, and some recent bad news from someone who I'd hoped was getting better aren't letting me out of this slum. I know I should be one of those super positive people who keep their head up no matter what happens, but at least I've improved a lot over the past years. I mean, I used to let depression consume me to the core. Now it's just something that pokes its horned little head out every once in a while.

I wish there was something I could do for all the people that I see hurting around me. I wish cancer would die off forever and stop taking so many people away from the ones they love...

One More Day.

I'd rather...

I just ate a random amount of junk. I didn't go to the gym today.

I was reading an article in a magazine about the psychological torture we put ourselves through when we don't go to the gym. The way our mind convinces us we're getting fat when nine times out of ten the body is in the same exact state it was pre gym hiatus. Regardless, I think I'll have to give up going to the gym for at least the next four days. I have my final Managerial Accounting exam on monday, and I need to pass this course. Because of that, I probably won't be around too much for the next few days. At least that's assuming I'm focusing on the things I should be focusing on.

I never was too good at prioritizing.

I'd rather be here:

8 1/2 by 11

After we broke up I took a shower and let myself let everything go while I was in there. But now, 24 hours later, I feel absolutely blank.

(And if you close your eyes we will always be, the way we were that night you crawled inside of me)

Who knows...

Ok. So which is it?

Is it over the top cynicism or realism that has got me seeing people in a whole different light as of late?

I feel like I can see right through people's facades. I feel like so many of the people around me have their own private agendas... living life and scheming to get things the way they want them to be.

Why is it that as soon as my Facebook status suggests boy troubles, some guy I haven't spoken to in months messages to ask me how I'm doing? In the past I would have seen that as a nice gesture maybe. Now I see it for what it really is. Now I see him for the opportunist pig that he is. I'm sorry if you have daddy issues. If you sleep with every woman you meet and ask my best friend out on a date based on a photo you saw of her on my wall.. but that doesn't give you the right to be a mysognist douche-bag.

Anyways. I don't know. I'm just very angry lately.

I should channel this anger into the articles I have lined up to write for the newspaper... those same articles with the interviews that I was so excited about only a few weeks ago.

It's weird but I really miss an old friend. We grew apart 6 months or so ago over something stupid. We were never too close, but I miss him and I don't know why.

I wish the boyfriend would call... or just spend some time with me.

I'm seeing A's parents tomorrow over dinner with some friends. I hope they're doing well. I miss A.

I don't know why I'm rambling or complaining so much. Life is really not that bad. I just need to put the right lenses on to view things with...

Moody's Diner

My mood has really taken a turn for the worse since the last time I updated. I have no idea what has gotten into me. I wish I could understand my own mind.

The past week for the most part has been spent in my room. I have done almost nothing other than for binging on a newly found guilty pleasure (Gossip Girl). The past week I've stayed up till as late as 3 a.m, woken up at 10 a.m, eaten lunch at 4 p.m, and had dinner at 1 a.m. I think it's starting to show because my skin is acting weird.

Today I finally left the house to go to the gym with a friend. On our way back to catch the bus home I fell a little behind and was consequently left behind by not only the bus but also by my friend who went home on the bus I couldn't catch.

He finally came back from New York. I missed him so much the whole time he was gone, but now that he's back I pick fights with him. I'm angry at him for not texting, which seems silly even to me, and I feel like that amazing feeling I had before about everything was a slip; a temporary rosecoloured glass outlook on life.

I don't know what has led to my hermit lifestyle or my sudden exhaustion. I think I'm trapped in my own mind.

To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream. ~Sylvia Plath

A Romantic Resurrected.

"I'm scared to open up... I'm afraid to feel vulnerable."

It's one of those things people say when they think they're about to fall in love... or when they try to explain to people why they avoid love.

Well, I can't say I'm as self-aware as those people. In fact, when my heart was full out broken 3 years ago, it was a first, and so I had no fear before the fall. I was eager as ever to open up to someone... anyone... and well, after that was over I had my period of hermit depression when I convinced myself that the romantic in me was dead and buried. After all that, I by some weird twist ended up dating that same person who broke my heart.

This time of course I was different. Sure you could say I was "scared to open up..." but I don't think I was aware of the change. I mean a year into the relationship I was pretty sure this was as vulnerable as I could possibly become.

I don't know, maybe the past made me forget what it was like to be truly open... made me forget the rush, the nervousness. I mean... I didn't even come to the realization that there was still a part of me that hadn't opened up until last week when I spent the day with him, and felt finally for the first time in 3 years how it felt to be truly open and vulnerable with someone.

So yeah, I guess I am a little scared. Scared of what the future has in store for us, scared of what might happen... but still, there's this relief that comes with really loving someone. A relief maybe that I'm not broken after-all.

Weird that it took me throwing up chunky food inside his bathroom sink to finally let go.

"Give me a kiss."

"Ew, no I'm all gross and vomitty."

"I don't care. I still love you."

Thin Crust.

So um today I tried a three topping pizza. It had halal beef pepperoni (what?!), onions, and mushrooms on a thin crust. I was very excited for this pizza. My lover and I then proceeded to eat this delicious pizza, only to have me come home and throw it all up after an attempt at fun times in bed.

Sigh. I'm sorry delicious pizza. Blame it on the antiobiotics.

This unexpected feeling of anguish and insanity is pushing me to the edge. I can't imagine waking up in the morning to greet the day. In fact, I can't imagine falling asleep tonight. I'm so tired of my continuous nightmares. I know they're my own fault... My own neglect of the problems in my life that are somehow morphing into these night terrors...