Despite everything, this made me smile...

UPDATE: I am no longer an unemployed bum! Yay for the call centre.

Dreaming.

My body seems foreign to me. My mind seems almost a separate entity. I watch my fingers typing and for a split second, my bony wrists look like someone else's. Did my arms always look like this?

I lie in bed, reading a novel when I should be reading a textbook. I read to get away from my own relentless thinking. My mind is driving me insane. Even as I close my eyes to dream, all I see is a never-ending collage of memories, mixed in with the sort of nonesense that only the dream world is capable of.

I see a girl, walking through a large marble mansion. Everywhere she turns she sees large empty rooms, rooms that were once filled with people... rooms that she had spent countless nights in as a child. I hear the faint laughter of children. I see them in the background, ghosts of the past, jumping up and down on mattresses, laughing for no reason; laughing for the sake of laughter.

Then the girl runs out of the mansion. She seems overwhelmed. She runs through the empty courtyard, passes the dead circular garden. Now she's standing atop a green field. The scene reminds her of her childhood. It reminds her of a time when she carelessly laid herself down and rolled down those hills... leaving herself at the mercy of gravity. She remembers rolling down those grassy hills, the same hills that stained her clothes green, she remembers the parents that scolded for her it, she remembers.....

And then suddenly, she bursts into tears. I watch her from atop. I watch her like someone watches a movie. I watch her and somehow feel all her grief, feel all her nostalgia, feel all her pain.

That is what I want to escape. That constantly running mind. The constantly running subconscious machine. I just want things to be calm, silent. I just want it to stop.

Bright flowers on a cold winter's day.

I have been quite a hermit for the past few weeks. In fact, the last time I set foot outside of the house was last Friday. I dare say the bright flowers mom bought today are the only physical contact I've had with the outside world for the past week. I guess you could say I've been productive though. I mean I wrote two ten page papers and took twelve pages worth of notes for my Sunday final. I think I could say that this is the most focused I have ever have been in my life (academically).

It's a weird feeling though, not interacting with people, sitting at this desk, actually getting work done... successfully avoiding procrastination for once. I think it'll take getting used to.

I don't finish until the 23rd, but at least after Sunday's exam I have a day or two to see my friends and enjoy real life before it's back to books again. I really hope this isn't how the rest of life plays out. I want to go out, see people, meet people, witness life. There's only so much observing and analyzing through books my mind can endure.

Happy birthday Ally.

This year you're finally free to celebrate.
No more hospitals and I.Vs.

I miss you.

Uncoordinated Limbs

Is it just me or do you find that when you most need to be stealthy and quiet in the house, you are your loudest?

Take late nights.... or 5 in the morning. Everyone in the house is asleep but for one reason or another I have to be awake at an ungodly hour. Sitting in my room, suddenly I feel the urge to get some water... or maybe I remember that I should go take my multi-vitamins... and so I tip-toe downstairs, working extra hard not to make any noise.

Finally, after getting myself down the steps and onto the first floor, I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Yes! I did it. I'm as stealthy as a cat."

Then as I walk up to the cabinet to get my bottle of pills, I hit my leg against a pot... or as I reach over to get a glass, it falls over and crashes down loudly against all the other ones.

"Fuck!!!" I mutter. By now any sense of stealthiness has long left my uncoordinated, uncontrollable limbs.

I reach over and get my bottle of pills. I open the child lock on it only for my hand to slip and for the lid to plump down loudly on the ceramic tiles, vibrating and turning with noise on the ground while I cringe and swear, waiting for it to stop.

By now I'm just pissed off. I take my pill, rinse my glass of water and make my way up the stairs, angry and annoyed at my own inability to run this late night errand without waking up the whole house.

Thankful.

I think we're a little too young to be worried about never finding someone.
Yes. I'm sure that is a fact.

Yet, lately I find myself upset over the fact that I can't find new, interesting people (guys) to talk to and to feel silly around.

I know, I know, this is me being my ridiculous self again. I don't want attention when I have it and when I do I shun it. How does that make sense?

It seems I guess that I only attract the kind of attention I want to shun. There have been people that were considered... but they're always a little insane and too busy dwelling in their own minds.

Then maybe it's time for me to start looking out for people who don't dwell in their own heads. I mean sure it's nice. Sure I love the conversations they can hit up... sure they're a lot less pretentious and a lot more intelligent.... but they don't seem thoughtful.

It's ironic really. They're always trapped with their own thoughts... yet they can't divert enough from them to be thoughtful towards someone else.

I have no idea what I'm writing all this for because even as I'm writing it makes no sense to me. I'm not looking for anyone. I'm just frustrated by the lack of people. Does that make sense?

**

Anyways, inspired by the 1000awesomethings blog, I'm going to start writing one thing that I'm thankful for at the end of every post. I don't think I'm thankful enough for the people and things around me.

Today I'm thankful for: the treadmill and elevating heart rates. :)

Assumptions.

Sitting at the table, with three guys I've known for years but barely know, I lose patience. They make me so utterly aware of the gap between men and women. How do we live together, how are we expected to last, when neither side understands the other?

I used to be a tomboy. I had no problems admitting it. I used to play soccer in the streets, the only girl on the team. I used to have best friends who were boys. I found them safer and more understanding. They were my refuge from the needless drama and cruelty girls inflict on one another.

But now, now it's like all of that has done a 360. Maybe it's our age. Maybe at 20, the differences between both sides are the most obvious. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe I've changed too much.

Sitting with the three guys I barely know, they go on and on about sex. They talk about what pleases girls. They even say that sex is better for women. Sex is better because apparantly we're capable of having a million orgasms in a row.

I sit there awkwardly, but get frustrated by their ignorance. I try to tell them they can't make such assumptions. I try to tell them generalizations are stupid. Instead, I get bombarded with more assumptions.

"You're not experienced enough, you'll know one day."

I'm sorry, what? I wasn't aware I'd told you my sexual history. I wasn't aware you could tell tell by a glance what I've experienced in life.

This made me even more angry. Getting into a useless argument with them, I get more and more frustrated... until finally, tired of their fucked up assumptions, I say, "I have had sex before!"

This shuts them up. They look at eachother. The same guys who only minutes ago were talking openly about fucking women. Of course it's fine for them to talk about it, but the moment I, a woman, admit to having had sex, there's sudden silence. Then they start talking again.

Why are you all so shocked? Why is it so hard to believe?

"You just don't look like the type."

The type? What exactly is this "type?" Do people who have sex look a certain way? Do women who have sex have SLUT stamped across their forehead?

They try to correct themselves. They say that's not what they meant.

"You just seem like you're focused on school."

OF COURSE. God forbid I have sex. It must mean I'm not focused on school.

I left that conversation feeling angry and even disgusting. Their ignorance, their reactions, their condescending manner, and their complete utter sexism, had left me completely disoriented. I realized I can't stand these people. I can't stand this building, I can't stand the fake stupid facades everyone puts on.

I've never been much of a feminist, but this is not the first time something like this has happend. It seems the older I get, the more I realize just what we, as women, have to deal with for the rest of our lives. It upsets me, and yes, it even scares me. The only thing I can do is try to avoid people like them and to hope that somehow, someday men will grow up.