A Romantic Resurrected.

"I'm scared to open up... I'm afraid to feel vulnerable."

It's one of those things people say when they think they're about to fall in love... or when they try to explain to people why they avoid love.

Well, I can't say I'm as self-aware as those people. In fact, when my heart was full out broken 3 years ago, it was a first, and so I had no fear before the fall. I was eager as ever to open up to someone... anyone... and well, after that was over I had my period of hermit depression when I convinced myself that the romantic in me was dead and buried. After all that, I by some weird twist ended up dating that same person who broke my heart.

This time of course I was different. Sure you could say I was "scared to open up..." but I don't think I was aware of the change. I mean a year into the relationship I was pretty sure this was as vulnerable as I could possibly become.

I don't know, maybe the past made me forget what it was like to be truly open... made me forget the rush, the nervousness. I mean... I didn't even come to the realization that there was still a part of me that hadn't opened up until last week when I spent the day with him, and felt finally for the first time in 3 years how it felt to be truly open and vulnerable with someone.

So yeah, I guess I am a little scared. Scared of what the future has in store for us, scared of what might happen... but still, there's this relief that comes with really loving someone. A relief maybe that I'm not broken after-all.

Weird that it took me throwing up chunky food inside his bathroom sink to finally let go.

"Give me a kiss."

"Ew, no I'm all gross and vomitty."

"I don't care. I still love you."

Thin Crust.

So um today I tried a three topping pizza. It had halal beef pepperoni (what?!), onions, and mushrooms on a thin crust. I was very excited for this pizza. My lover and I then proceeded to eat this delicious pizza, only to have me come home and throw it all up after an attempt at fun times in bed.

Sigh. I'm sorry delicious pizza. Blame it on the antiobiotics.

This unexpected feeling of anguish and insanity is pushing me to the edge. I can't imagine waking up in the morning to greet the day. In fact, I can't imagine falling asleep tonight. I'm so tired of my continuous nightmares. I know they're my own fault... My own neglect of the problems in my life that are somehow morphing into these night terrors...

Verbal Regurgitation.

Hello Mister customer service representative guy working for the fast food restaurant I ate at tonight. Hi Mister.

I have no idea why I'm calling you to complain about these uncooked fries. I don't like fries at this place anyway. Still it bothered me that your fries were uncooked. Could you please ask the people at the location beside the Canadian Tire to please cook their fries? No. Not the location beside the Home Depot. No not that location. No not the location on brimely Avenue. No. Not that location. Could you please just tell them to give me a receipt next time? No I have no further concerns. Sure I'll give you my e-mail address. Sure I'll give you my street name. No it's not a crescent, it's a boulevard. No it's not an avenue, it's a boulevard. Good night mister customer service representative guy. I wonder if I'll ever hear your voice again. I wonder what city you're in... in the same way I wonder why everything seems to make so much sense one moment and so little the next. What did he sing that one time? Oh yeah, "how time can move both fast and slow, amazes me."

Just like I'll wonder about the teenage roommate at the hospital. The one with a million stab wounds, a punctured heart. How romantic it is for us to say our hearts are broken, until they actually are. Until we have to be cut open from the neck down for open heart surgery. Until our lungs collapse because of some stupid fight at 16.

Just like I'll wonder about A's parents. How is it that they are so strong? Seeing their daughter go through chemo for years only to lose her. How do you deal with a loss so great?

How is it that people can be so resilient, so brave, when they're pushed to the limit, but remain so weak, sad, uninspired, when faced with no dilemmas?

"[Is] heaviness truly deplorable and lightness splendid? The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become." -- The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera)

I would like to share my excitement with you, the few lovely readers that I have, regarding my electives next year. Next year for the first time in 2 years I get some flexibility in my course selection and I've of course used that opportunity to take as many random, awesome courses as possible. Here are two of the courses I'm taking and their selected readings. I saw the book King and King on the list and thought it sounded very familiar. Then I remembered it being used in a prop 8 advertisement to scare conservatives.

Horror and Terror: Variations on Gothic
Reading List:

Bram Stoker, Dracula (Penguin);

Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents (trans. Strachey, intro by Peter Gay); Charlotte F. Otten (Ed),

The Literary Werewolf (Syracuse University Press);

Anne Rice, Interview with the Vampire (Ballantine Books).

20th-century Children's Literature

Reading List:

(Revised July 2, 2009)

Barrie, J. M. Peter Pan (Bantam) (ISBN: 0553211781)
Bellairs, John. The House with a Clock in Its Walls (Puffin) (ISBN: 0142402575)
Blume, Judy. Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret. (Yearling) (ISBN: 0440404193)
Dahl, Roald. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. (Puffin) (ISBN: 9780142410318)
Dehaan, Linda, Stern Nijland, King and King (Tricycle) (ISBN: 1582460612)
Katz, Welwyn Wilton. False Face (Groundwood) (ISBN: 0888990820)
Lewis, C. S. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (HarperTrophy) (ISBN: 0064404994)
Pullman, Philip. The Golden Compass (Yearling) (ISBN: 9780440418320)
Richardson, Justin, and Peter Parnell, And Tango Makes Three (Simon & Schuster) (ISBN: 0689878451)
Rowling, J. K. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Raincoast) (ISBN: 1551924781)
Snicket, Lemony. A Series of Unfortunate Events: Book the First. The Bad Beginning (HarperCollins) (ISBN: 0064407667)
White, E. B. Charlotte’s Web (HarperTrophy) (ISBN: 0064400557)

All I have to say is, I CAN'T WAIT to enjoy learning again. : )

Bittersweet

So I had my hearing.

It was very intense and they made me wait an hour and a half before they told me their decision. The good news is, I'm back in the program. The bad news is... well I'm back in the program and I have a managerial exam tomorrow.

kfaosfjaosfp

Ahhhh one night to write two essays. One on Irish monasticism and the other on the role of women in medieval Ireland. AHHHH.